My DD214

Veterans should be a thing of the past.

Happy Stoner Day, man.

So, as I was trolling the murky waters of the internet this evening, I decided to check out Something Awful. I used to read SA every day, but lately it hasn’t been very funny. Too many boring, time-consuming, inside jokes for those who participate in MMORPGs. Or whatever. Tonight, however, changed my mind. The article is from yesterday, but it should stay on the front page for a week. Holy shit, it took me almost fifteen minutes to get through the damn thing because I was laughing so hard.
The point of the whole exercise is to fill us in on The Bradford Exchange, purveyors of tasteless and horrific “memorabilia” to hillbillies, rednecks, idjits, rubes and morons since 1912.
Read it for yourself. The analysis of the actual items for sale is great, but the suggestions are priceless.

A stirring rendition of General Patton riding on the back of an American eagle, with scenes of dogs or cats (you pick the breed) painted on the interior of the wings.

Need I say more?

21 April, 2006 2:03 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 3 Comments

Happy Eekster…

Sup homies? How’s bunny day treating you guys?
Been a while since we had a post from Clay, huh? What’s with that guy anyway?
Anyway, I have several news items.
Item 1– Fernando, how the hell am I supposed to get stoned and leave you retarded messages if your damn voicemail box is full? Call your voicemail, listen to them, then delete them, mon frere. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Item 2– As I told Will today on the phone, there have been new developments in this recording project. As I can’t even remember where I ate lunch today, I figured I’d better write it all out so I can have the details straight with both of you.
We are still planning on having our big BBQ over the weekend of July 7-9. There will be booze, pot, live music, and, if all goes as planned, a whole pig, roasted Hawaiin style in a pit of coals. We are inviting around 50 people, but who knows how many will show up. We’ll have a good time regardless. We’ve been having some difficulty getting the invites sent (read: We have been lazy), but we plan to have them mailed by the end of this week. Attendance is not optional, at least for youse guys. Remember to bring your most obnoxious Hawaiin shirts. Okay, so that does it for the weekend, now on to the really exciting stuff.
Gary Shaw, who I’ve told you about, has told me he definitely wants to produce the first “real” Powers That Be album, and he wants to release it, most likely in podcast format, as the first new Texas Music Hour show since 1982. This is a fantastic opportunity, as we have already had 10-15 different bands send us demo CDs, hoping to get a spot. As awesome as that is, it gets better…
Gary does not just want me to do overdubs and remix the old album, he wants to re-record all of it, with the addition of different instruments, backing vocals, washboards, etc. We talked it over, and he agreed that it would create a much better vibe for the album if, instead of hiring studio musicians to play songs that F. Rizo and myself wrote, we were to get my former musical cronies down here and rock some faces for the first time in a few years.
I’d like to record on July 10 & 11. We’ll most likely have a ten-hour block, which will give us more than enough time to get all of the tracks laid down. If I need to, I can mix the stuff later so we can concentrate on recording the whole time.
Here’s what it comes down to- Although my dreams of becoming a rock star have faded a bit in recent years, and even though I love what I do now, I still have to jump at this chance to release a “real” album. The thing is, I know that if I’m the only one making the music, it won’t be nearly as good as the stuff we could all write together. I need you guys to help make this thing happen. I figure you can fly in on Thurs or Fri, and then leave anytime after Tuesday. As you both know, you are always welcome here for as long as you want to stay, and the only cost you have to worry about is a plane ticket.
So, plan on it. Reschedule any appointments, cancel any dates, postpone any surgeries, and let’s make a fuckin’ record.
Item 3– Will, I enjoyed bullshitting with you today. I’m looking forward to working together on this project.
Item 4– The Easter Bunny died for your sins, bitches. Praise Him.

17 April, 2006 12:49 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 3 Comments

Two things I saw today

A herd of antelope and a bright-fuschia school bus filled to the ceiling with pinatas. Welcome to my world.

27 March, 2006 8:19 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 1 Comment

This post is brought to you by the letter W and the number 3.

Wow, guys, nice posts lately. They’ve been creative, witty, and rather amusing. I kind of hate to try to live up to that kind of writing, but I fear I must.
What do the following three things have in common?
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Just a letter, right? Wrong. I will prove here today that one of three is an impostor, an evil outsider sent, possibly from Space or The Future, to conquer all of mankind. I will give a point-by-point argument. Questions on my theories will not be tolerated.

1. Two of the three utilize strong primary or secondary colors. Cheerful and inviting. The other has a dark, imposing, Death Star vibe to it.
2. Two of the three can be enjoyed more fully with the assistance of another W-word, “weed”. The other is just a buzzkill.
3. Two of the three have special “wwwwings”, giving them a whimsical, devil-may-care feeling. The other is straitlaced, boring, and somehow manages to evoke all the charm of the Third Reich.

I think that’s enough to prove my point. Tune in next week, when I will link mud baths, Heidi Klum, and the mighty three-toed sloth.

7 March, 2006 1:41 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 1 Comment

What a weekend.

Two live sound gigs, the grand opening of Fort Worth’s only drive-thru recording studio, and a one-year wedding anniversary. I’m whupped.

1 March, 2006 12:09 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 2 Comments

Pop Quiz!

Well guys, in honor of the fact that I FINALLY have my own internet connection again, I have decided to give a pop quiz… Please write your answers in comments to this post.

Here we go.

1. What is your name?
2. What is your mission?
3. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
4a. What television show debuted 20 years ago today?
4b. How is it possible that I have clear memories of said television show when it debuted 20 years ago?
4c. Does this mean that I am officially an old fart?
5. Why are Little Debbie snack cakes of any variety so goddamned delicious?

Bonus Question:
Solve the following problem:
Is every Mersenne number square free?
A Mersenne number is a number of the form (2^p)-1 where p is a prime.
A prime is an integer larger than 1 whose only positive divisors are 1 and itself.
An integer is said to be square free if it is not divisible by a perfect square, n^2, for n>1.

Best of luck gents. I look forward to your prompt replies.

23 February, 2006 5:22 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 1 Comment

I had NO idea.

I knew that “soccer” was popular to the point of obsession and hysteria in places other than the U.S., but DAMN!

 

19 February, 2006 11:16 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 2 Comments

Beard Psychosis Envy

Oh, my friend, how I envy the fact that you are living in a city large enough to support a decent barber. Haircuts (and the maintenance of facial hair, by necessity) have become an obsession of mine. I simply cannot handle getting a bad haircut, which is emotionally crippling when facing the fact that I cannot seem to pay anyone to give me a good one. This is a fairly recent development, I think. I was somewhat vain when I entered the service of my government, but the constant preening and primping attitude of the Marine Corps pushed me over the line, and made an official narcissist out of this once-humble small-town boy.

I have finally found salvation, though. Understanding my redemption, however, will require a short story.

I went on Friday to get a trim. Nothing major, just a quick touch-up. My main concern was my sideburns, which had grown ridiculously long. Leaving the house was my first mistake. I should have left well enough alone. Mistake #2 was going to Pro Cuts for said haircut. The basic gist of it is that the bitch with the scissors was blind and stupid. I told her exactly what I wanted, using my patented brand of English for the Stupid, which uses only short, simple words and is spoken in a slow and measured tempo. I took the ray of sunlight which temporarily pierced the fog of ignorance surrounding her as a sign that my words had gotten through. I was horribly, and tragically, mistaken.

This woman should be barred for life from ever practicing any sort of cosmetic art in this nation. She made me look like the god-awful spawn of Elvis and Vanilla Ice. I hate her.

The unfortunate thing is, I didn’t notice that anything was wrong, at least for about ten minutes. Then I made Mistake #3- I looked into a reflective surface. This is where it all went to shit. After ranting and raving to an amused Wife (bless her heart, she was trying not to laugh. The hilarious aspects of this hell-cut had not escaped my sharp eye for comedy, but at the time I was too pissed off to find it very funny) for about fifteen minutes, I went in a quest into the heart of Deepest Weatherford, in search of a Barber.

We are not talking about a “stylist” here. We are talking about a Barber. One who cuts men’s hair only, whose shop smells of cigars and Old Spice, and whose television (or transistor radio) is always tuned to sports. I was looking for my childhood Barber, Mr. Wooten.

I thought for years that the old guy retired and was spending his days whittling shards of mesquite branches into dust at the local coffee shop. Fortunately, I had noticed earlier in the day that Mr. Wooten was still in business, albeit at a different location than I remembered. I walked into the shop with hope in my heart for the first time in 30 minutes.

I’m afraid that’s all there is to the story. Mr. Wooten fixed my haircut. No, he made improvements. Of course he did, the old fart’s a pro. He made it look better in less time than it took for the dumb broad to fuck it up. He’s got a regular customer now. I like the place, and he’s good…

But, oh! For a straight-razor wielding bilingual Dominican Barber!

17 January, 2006 5:45 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 1 Comment

A comment on Will’s most recent picture, and the religious philosophies contained therein…

Tired of your old religion? Sick of the same litany, millenium in, millenium out? Now there’s a solution for your problem! The makers of Jesus and Jesus Lite (featuring Episcopalian Goodness!) are proud to bring you new Evil Jesus! In this all-new, extreme version of Christianity brought to you by those extreme-sport junkies at Mountain Dew, Jesus isn’t a pushover anymore! This time, screw the meek, only the AWESOME shall inherit the earth!

That isn’t a confused, oh-shit look on Jesus’ face, my friends, that’s just the look that Evil Jesus gets when he’s about to do a 180 fakie “Savior” grind on the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro while suckling sweet, powerful Mountain Dew from the teat of a mountain lion! That’s right, we said Mt. Kilimanjaro! That’s right, sucking Mountain Dew from the teat of a mountain lion! Now that’s EXTREME!

Evil Jesus will totally rock your face, you pussy, so join up now! Or are you too chicken for EXTREME religion?

16 January, 2006 3:54 PM Posted by | Religious Tomfoolery | 5 Comments

Psychonauts is the coolest game ever invented.

This is not a full fledged review, as I have not completed the game yet, but I would like to make a few comments.

When Dana and I went to Game Stop to look for what she called “a girl game”, I was expecting to leave with something along the lines of Barbie’s Fashion Designer Pony & Rainbow Cavalcade. However, when we were assaulted by the uber-nerd behind the counter (whose idea of great service was to ask us “So, um, what kind of games are you guys into?” repeatedly, driving us to the brink of madness), we realized that the only way to get him to shut up was to tell him we were looking for something “cool” that we could both play. He recommended Psychonauts for PS2. He said that it was one of the best games of the year, but it hadn’t gotten much attention from mainstream reviewers, as they were too busy getting erections playing the three titles available for XBox 360. I had my doubts, but since Dana has a talent for getting what she wants (mainly because she’s hot and has nice boobs, she doesn’t even have to be persuasive. She just wears tight shirts, and the world is her oyster), she convinced the clerk to give his solemn word that if we didn’t like the game, we could bring it back within a week and he would personally exchange it for another brand new game, even though that would be completely against Game Stop’s return policy. She’s good.

This game kicks ass. The main character is named Rasputin, and he’s a kid who grew up in the circus. He has psychic powers, and he makes smarmy comments throughout the game. This in itself is cool enough. However, the ability to levitate, catch things on fire via pyrokenesis, blast shit with psychic energy beams, and other tricks that I have not yet unlocked push this game into “neato” territory. The best part, though, is the little man who lives in your(Rasputin’s) head who can only be coaxed out to give advice by holding a piece of bacon to your ear. That’s right, I said bacon. You carry this bacon with you at all times. How bitchin’ is that?

The graphics are trippy, the music is fantastic, the story is strange enough to make even me want to play the game and sit through all the narratives, and the gameplay is varied enough to keep me from getting bored. Part first-person shooter, part “Myst”-like puzzle solving, part skateboarding, and part bacon. I highly recommend it. Do yourself a favor, though. Smoke something green before you play. You’ll thank me, as soon as you can pull yourself away from your TV, bleary-eyed and giggling.

10 January, 2006 2:22 PM Posted by | Game reviews | Leave a comment