My DD214

Veterans should be a thing of the past.

A Completely Factual Review of “Brokeback Mountain”

Sorry this took so long. The idea, unfortunately, was first raised on New Year’s Eve. There is no worse time to have a good idea, in my experience. Booze and pot were involved, so needless to say, it has taken me a few days to get off of my dead ass and write the damn thing.

So, without further ado, here is my promised, One Hundred Percent Fiction-Free, Absolutley Truthful Review of Brokeback Mountain. 

I must admit, when I first heard of Bareback Mounting Brokeback Mountain, I had my normal, hetero doubts. “How could I possibly enjoy such a film,” I asked myself, “if I know from the beginning that it’s plot centers on fairy cowboys?” It is fair, here, to specify that when I say “fairy cowboys,” I do not mean those brave men of yesteryear who herded North America’s now-extinct herds of Wooly Fairies across the plains of our great land. Those were real men. I am referring, of course, to those damned Jesus-hating faggots. With boots and “ten-gallon” hats. Ten-gallon, indeed.

All of my fears seemed to be baseless. After having “seen” the movie, or rather, having made up my own fictional storyline, characters, and scenes, I have arbritrarily decided to give it Two Dildos Up(a cowboy’s ass).

 This is one very gay movie.

We are not talking here about softcore shit. There are no “love” scenes, there is no dialogue, in fact, there isn’t even any real “acting” involved, as it is rather obvious after about two seconds that these guys are enjoying this stuff.

For the sake of honesty, though, I have to admit that I liked the 15 minute blowjob scene. Heath Ledger has obviously done this a whole hell of a lot. Dirty Austrians.

Ok, so here’s the plot.

Heath Ledger and Jake Whatsisname play two gay cowboys. They do it. Everywhere they can possibly get a grip, including on horseback. That must have been worse than the back of a Volkswagen. Members of the audience either jerk off or walk out in protest. The End.

This movie is going to be a blockbuster.

I’m tired and am going to bed, sorry this is so lame. They can’t all be winners.

 

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3 January, 2006 1:57 AM - Posted by | Movie reviews

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