My DD214

Veterans should be a thing of the past.

Jesus don’t truck with no dove-sellers

In honor of Will’s excellent post, I thought I’d point out the specific verse that he alluded to and simultaneously take a nice opportunity to plug the excellent Skeptic’s Annotated Bible.

The verse in question (as per the King James version) is:

And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves and said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves. —Matthew 21:12-13

Nice post, William. Props to my pops for helping me find the exact passage.

30 December, 2005 9:40 PM Posted by | We don't need no educations | Leave a comment

I might have found the light.

Well, I’ve been absent from the blog for a couple weeks and I want to atone. I’ve become an MOA Christian. I know, I know. You’re all thinking,

Q: “But Will, how can you be an MOA Christian if you are also an atheist?”

A: Well, the answer is simple: MOA Christians are retards.

Q: Will, I know what a Christian is, but what is an MOA Christian?

A: An MOA Christian is a believer who attends mass at Camp Snoopy in the Mall of America.

Q: But Will, isn’t putting a Christian Church in the Mall of America a little askew from the idea that, umm… what was that guy’s name again…? Oh Yeah, JESUS CHRIST didn’t want a store inside his Church?

A: Yes, but the loophole is that he didn’t say that we couldn’t have a church inside the store.

Another reason why I’ve converted to this MOA Christian lifestyle, is because thier value system is more “on par” with my own values. Things like having a big screen plasma tv in the church window so that they can pummel passersby with thier media presentations and filmed dramatic reenactments of “acual life events” such as 1. problems with your children, 2. problems with drugs, 3. the list goes on.

Yes folks, the River Church is a “a safe place to figure out what life’s about”. So the next time you feel like donating to a charitable organization to help out with our collective and shared burdens, DON’T! Stop by the River Church in the MOA and figure out what life is about.

30 December, 2005 7:55 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 2 Comments

Mike Oliveira puts it all in perspective

Today’s Article of the Day is brought to you by Canada and the number 12! A small teaser:

“There may be no record stranger than what made Tyler Ing of London, Ont., infamous.

The 20-year-old University of Western Ontario engineering student got Guinness’s attention by presenting evidence of the world’s longest nipple hair.

The hair hangs 8.89 centimetres from his right nipple, which is about as tall as a medium Tim Hortons coffee cup.”

Fernando, I’ve figured out your newest html trick… time to learn a new one. Later.

28 December, 2005 2:36 PM Posted by | Linkage | 1 Comment

Robert Steinback puts it all into perspective

This is one of the best columns I’ve read in years; you guys HAVE to read this.

Fear destroys what bin Laden could not, by Miami Herald columnist Robert Steinback.

President Bush recently confirmed that he has authorized wiretaps against U.S. citizens on at least 30 occasions and said he’ll continue doing it. His justification? He, as president — or is that king? — has a right to disregard any law, constitutional tenet or congressional mandate to protect the American people.

Is that America’s highest goal — preventing another terrorist attack? Are there no principles of law and liberty more important than this? Who would have remembered Patrick Henry had he written, “What’s wrong with giving up a little liberty if it protects me from death?”

Bravo, Mr Steinbeck. We should send this guy an honorary DD214.

27 December, 2005 12:48 PM Posted by | Angry rant | 3 Comments

Amazon knows me so well.

In my gmail inbox this morning:

Dear Customer,

We’ve noticed that customers who have purchased Why I Am Not a Christian : And Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects by Bertrand Russell might like to know that Suellen M. Hoy’s Good Hearts: Catholic Sisters in Chicago’s Past will be released soon. You can pre-order your copy by following the link below.

What other correlations might Amazon draw?

27 December, 2005 11:42 AM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 6 Comments

American hypocrisy is a comedy goldmine

Best headline of the day so far: “US demands Iraq protect prisoners“, courtesy of the Beeb. That’s hilarious. It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer asking you to use a napkin because you’re grossing him out.

26 December, 2005 9:44 AM Posted by | News | 2 Comments

Merry Christmas, fruitcakes.

As you might remember, Christmas Day is no big deal with Cubans, as the real celebration for us is tonight on Christmas Eve. My parents and I are hosting my borderline psychotic grandmother this holiday. The fact that I had moved home hadn’t really sunk in until I heard her let loose with one of her signature raving tirades about how white people shouldn’t date black people or how the world is a terrible place because not enough people love Jesus.

Anyway, I hope you guys have happy holidays yourselves. I’ll give you both a buzz tomorrow; feel free to shunt me over to voicemail and call me back on Monday if you’re busy. Happy Non-denominational Secular Holiday.

24 December, 2005 5:19 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | Leave a comment

Movie Review: King Kong

King Kong is going to bomb hard. It’s a well thought-out, well-acted, moderately paced drama that happens to end up being a totally plausible love story between a 25-foot-tall gorilla and the hot girl from The Ring. Thus, the biplane-smashing antics of the title character will manage to alienate the 40-year-old spinsters who would be attracted by a Depression-era love story and the (admittedly overlong) dramatic buildups will bore the 12-year-old boys and Comic Book Guy-esque 20-year-old males (i.e. us) upon whom Hollywood rests its financial chips when it puts out an action film. In short, King Kong is the new Ishtar.

But don’t think for a second that I didn’t love it.

I can go on forever about the things that just clicked for me: the lavish CG recreation of 1930s New York, the riveting action scenes that wallpaper the final two acts of the film, the multi-tiered character that Jack Black enthusiastically (and quite competently) portrays. There are a handful of action set pieces that are among the best I’ve ever seen in an action movie. And although the film makes liberal use of CG, its implementation is so deft that you’ll never notice.

There are some legitimate criticisms to make, foremost of them the fact that the first act lasts for nearly an hour. Peter Jackson sets the stage for his characters slowly and confidently. I personally thought that the high level of character development was refreshing for a movie of this genre, but I can understand that not everyone will agree. Even I would have cut twenty minutes out of it and brought Kong into the picture a little sooner.

There’s also a couple of secondary storylines that get very short thrift and no real resolution. One can imagine that (much in the style of his Lord of the Rings films) Jackson has shot a six-hour movie and has had to leave much of his film on the cutting room floor. We’ll know when the DVD comes out.

The other criticism is a nitpick to be sure: perhaps in order to parry what some have called the “inherent racism of King Kong‘s premise”, Jackson’s cast is absurdly diverse. The crew of the ship that carries the protagonists to Skull Island comes in every shape and color, including a Chinese man, a Maori (?!) and an African-American first mate. Keeping in mind that this is a period piece set in 1930, the ethnic diversity requires almost as much suspension of disbelief as the giant monsters who appear later.

All in all though, I can’t more highly recommend this film guys. Fernando seal of approval.

21 December, 2005 11:32 PM Posted by | Movie reviews, Reviews | Leave a comment

I’m gonna be rich!

Hey guys, I just got some very exciting news via the miracle of the “interweb”(All praise be to Al)-
I’m going to be a very wealthy man. Earlier today, I received an email from one Martin Adams. The full ext of the email follows:
“My name is Martin Adams I trained and work as an external auditor for the EFG Private Bank Limited, Jersey, Channel Islands, working as part of a bigger team that covers the entire Channel Islands, United Kingdom.

On my routine audit check last year, I discovered some investment accounts that had been dormant for at least 9 years. All the accounts belong to a single one account holder with monies totaling a little above £4,689,670 four million six hundred and eighty thousand six hundred and seventy British Pounds sterling’s.

Now banking regulation/legislation here demand that I do notify the fiscal authorities after a statutory time span of 8 years when dormant accounts of this type are called in by the Jersey monetary regulatory bodies.

The above set of facts underscores my reason for writing and proposing to you. My investigation of the said account reveals that the investor, a Briton had died in 1995 the exact time the account was last operated. I can confirm with certainty that the said investor died interstate and no next of kin to his estate has been found or has come forward all these years.

I am of the settled conviction that using my insider leverage, I, working with you can secure the funds in the account for ourselves instead of allowing it pass as unclaimed funds into the coffers of the Government of Channel Islands. This is especially possible as you bear the same LAST NAME with the said investor. This exactly is why I crave your participation and co-operation. I have in my custody all relevant documents (legal and Banking) that will facilitate your claims as the beneficiary of the funds.

If this offer is okay by you, we can put minds together and workout the modalities and our mutual benefits. I shall however leave out the final details of this transaction till I receive an affirmation of your desire to participate. Be rest assured that I am in control of the situation and as such, there would be no risk whatsoever if you elect to come on board. Needless to say, UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY is of vital importance if we are to successfully reap the immense benefits of this transaction.

Please send your response and contact details Eg. Full names, Direct telephone and fax numbers to my private and more confidential e-mails; OR which I have created for this purpose only.

I do expect your prompt response.

Martin Adams

As you can well imagine, I was thrilled. This is by far the most legitimate business opportunity I have ever been told about. More later.

21 December, 2005 2:03 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | 1 Comment

Today is National Hate the French Day

I have declared today to be National Hate the French Day, as I feel that our nation, as a whole, has not exerted nearly enough daily effort in their ignomity of our dirty cousins in gay Paris. Our President, long may he be ignorant of his surroundings, has issued the following statement on this, the Most Important and Glorious National Holiday:
“Today, our Great Nation celebrates our victory in combat against France. The Iraq thing is old hat. We won that war with the help of Our Father, His Son, and His Holy Oil Tycoon. Now, we’ll all just pretend it never happened, just like that place with the ugly women they was always a’coverin’. Remember, a war without France is like…uh…World War II.”

And now, for the National Hate the French Day Quote of the Year:

“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?” – Dennis Miller

Thank you, that is all.

19 December, 2005 11:32 PM Posted by | Just a thought.. | Leave a comment